Category Archives: Relationships 101

TRUST.

TRUST in a relationship is huge.

TRUST is akin to Believing.

Have you ever felt someone’s trust? Completely?

Have you ever given someone your trust? Completely?

Can you take a moment to even imagine what that feels like?

It’s like believing in Santa Claus, or perhaps we’ll call it the spirit of Christmas. We believe good things will happen. And they do.

While they are not one and the same, trust involves unconditional love and unconditional love involves trust. Imagine saying to someone; “I trust you” instead of saying “I love you.”

What would it mean to say I trust you? Instead of thinking – I trust that you won’t hurt me, try thinking – I trust there’s nothing you can do that will hurt me.

OMG, not true, not true you shout….. Or excuse me, what did you just say?

I trust that there’s nothing you can do that will hurt me, because what trust really means is that I’m strong enough, all on my own, to love you regardless of what you think, do or say. Powerful stuff.

Think of a little baby, sweet, innocent and completely lovable. We love that little baby, unconditionally. We do not believe that baby has any intention of ‘hurting’ us. It can poop, cry, scream or smile and coo and we believe that baby is perfect. He or she is being a perfect little baby, doing the only thing it knows how to do. We trust that baby to be the best baby it can be.

But we’re grownups here. Let me use a cliché example and hope you can see the bigger picture. Imagine a man and a women, a couple, together somewhere. You get to imagine the setting and scene. A beautiful woman walks by and the man checks her out. Noticeably checks her out. You know, the whole eyes locked and following her every move checking her out. He doesn’t try to hide his appreciation of her beauty. How will the woman he’s with react?

IF she trusts that he loves her and feels safe in their relationship she will trust and accept that his ogle (appreciation of the other woman’s beauty) is just that, an ogle and nothing more.

When we’re in a relationship we don’t suddenly put blinders on and no longer see the rest of the world, nor should we. I do NOT believe I should stop looking at attractive men (or women) because I’m in a relationship. Thankfully I know my partner (my lover) is well aware that while I may look, I have no desire to touch. I’m perfectly happy with my lover and I’m not going anywhere. And if I can give him that same trust – oh what a beautiful gift we both share.

And, if your mate does look and want to touch – go read this post. Because being in love does not mean letting someone step on you.

Besides, Why in the world would you want to be with someone who doesn’t want to be with you? Please, let me know if you have a good answer to that one.

TRUST. When you have it, you let go of fear.

Believe and happy holidays.

Enjoy always, T

He made me so mad….. No he didn’t.

Haven’t we all heard someone say; he made me so mad? Maybe we’ve even said it ourselves.

Well, let me tell you, no he didn’t….. make you mad. ‘He’ did not make you mad. You chose to be mad.

BTW, This is not a post to bash men. I’m using the term ‘he’ only because I don’t favor using he/she or some such silly thing. So when ever you see ‘he’ feel free to replace it with ‘she’ if it’ll make you feel better, because I’m all about making you feel better.  Now back to the regularly scheduled post.

It’s so very common of us to blame another person when we get mad. It’s very easy to say, He makes me so mad. I know I’ve said it. We use their actions to justify our anger. But it’s still our anger. Our feelings. Our choice. 

That’s not to say that someone isn’t being rude, or obnoxious, or mean, or ugly, or well you get the point. They may be acting in a way that any reasonable person would observe as offensive, but you still have to choose to be offended. OR you can choose to let it go.  I read a quote by Ken Keyes Jr once that said, You put as much negativity in the world when you TAKE offense as when you GIVE offense. That was one of those ‘WOW’ moments for me. It put a whole new thought into my head. And I took it to heart.

Several years ago…. in a land far, far away, I was having a heated discussion with a friend of mine. At the time this ‘friend’ was becoming much less of a friend. In fact, we were very close to going our own separate ways. He was critiquing some of my recent activities, judging them to be poor choices, bad and just plain wrong. I tried to sit there and listen to his critique (criticism) without getting mad. I really tried. But then he said one thing too much and I lost it. Blew up big time. Yelled, screamed and stomped out, vowing to never return. I think you get the picture.

But now comes the pop quiz. What made that ‘one more thing’ the thing that set me off?

Answer: ME.

I had reached the point where I choose to get mad. He’d been trying to make me mad for several minutes. And I had been doing a fairly good job of disappointing him. I had been doing my best to stay calm. I think that’s what pushed him to keep going. He wanted to get a rise out of me and he kept pushing until he was successful. Not a pretty picture, I can assure you.

The funny thing is, it didn’t occur to me to just leave BEFORE I got mad. Nooooo, I waited until I had reached my limit and then I stomped off in a huff. Why didn’t I just excuse myself when the whole critique session started? Why didn’t I just bow out, say thank you for your time, but now it’s time for me to go? I don’t know. I wish I had. Not because it would have saved our friendship, it had more problems that just that one, but because it would have saved my temper. I could have chosen to save myself from getting mad. I could have seen my limit on the  horizion and blown some wind into my sails to catch the receding tide. But no. I stayed, with some dimwitted idea that it would be rude for me to leave.

Let me tell you, it  was far more dimwitted for me to stay and let him heap abuse upon me, mostly because I know I’m not good at taking abuse. BTW, that’s not a talent I plan to pursue anytime soon.

This post is getting too long, so I’ll close for now and post about how to avoid choosing anger on another day. Let me just say, we are the only ones who get to choose our emotions. No one else can make that choice for us. They may know how to push our buttons, but we have to give them the remote control.

So for now, Enjoy always, T

Looking for Love.

Are you looking for love in all the right places? Are you looking for exactly the right person at exactly the right time? Are you looking for that one special person that will make everything perfect?  If you are – good luck with that.

I have always been interested in relationships, and romance. I have spent much of my adult life studying personal relationships in everyday life, watching to see what works and what doesn’t. In other words, I watch people and listen to what they say and watch what they do. I’ve seen people create romance, which leads to relationships, which can lead to a lot of places.

Are you looking, OR are you creating?

You can look and look and look, and maybe you’ll find, and maybe you won’t. The fastest and best way to experience anything, whether it be romance, joy, happiness or love, yes especially love, is to create. You create it and then you have it. Quick, easy, simple.

Oh, but I hear you say, it’s not so quick, easy or simple. I can’t do that, I don’t know how. There’s a saying, If you think you can’t, you’re probably right!!

So, what are you thinking? If you think it’s hard, you’re right. If you think it’s easy, because after all, love is all around us, you’re right. You get to choose. Now isn’t that good news?

Don’t get me wrong. I feel your pain, your frustration. I’ve been there and have even been know to re-visit my own private hell.  Thankfully these days I keep my visits short. It doesn’t take much suffering to remind me that’s not a place I want to dwell. Reminds me of a song….

Since my baby left me, I found a new place to dwell, it’s down at the end of lonely street, at heart-break hotel.

How do you create romance? Are you open and receptive to receiving love? Are you really? The best way to find a friend, is to be a friend. Be the one who says HI when someone new walks in the door. Don’t worry about results, don’t even think about results, just think about being friendly. And if the other person chooses not to be friendly, no sweat, no problems. Don’t take it personally. They don’t know you well enough for it to be personal. It really is them, not you. So let it go – and keep going.

You want to create romance? Start small and be a friend.  Be friendly and watch. And stay open and receptive to creating the best you can be.

BTW, I’ll be off line for a couple of weeks. See you when I get back from Scotland!! Now how exciting is that?

Enjoy always, T

Relationship Motivation.

Relationship burn-out can happen, and often does faster than we anticipate. We often lose sight of our initial attraction and the things that brought us together in the first place. Life together becomes bland and, well, normal. It’s just human nature. We like the highs, but they’re hard to maintain.

Results inspire our actions. We’re motivated at the beginning of a relationship to get the results we want, to get the man or woman of our dreams, or a close approximation. We work hard to create that all important connection, the One that will see us through to happily ever after. Wow, great fun, and lots of motivation.

We start a romance really motivated and super excited. How can we not be? We’re on a quest for romance, love and hopefully great s*x. We’re thrilled by the whole newness of the experience. Our expectations are sky high and the forecast looks good. Clear sailing.

So how do we keep the motivation going after ‘normal’ sets in?

Sooner than you know, it’s six months or a year or two down the road and things start to feel stale. You’ve landed your big prize and you’re no longer motivated to be your best self. Now what?

Relationship success happens when you learn to go with the flow while still flexing your ‘love muscle’, Romance.

If you want to learn a skill, you practice. And you keep practicing so you don’t become rusty. If you want to be a successful musician, you practice. Even when you get the ten year contract to play on national TV, you practice. If you stop, and let time go by, you’d get rusty, out of shape, and have to work hard to get your groove back.

Actions inspire results. Keep your romance muscle in shape. Don’t let it sag.

One of my daily practices is to always greet my beau when he comes home. I mean really greet him. I stop what I’m doing and take the minute or two to really acknowledge his presence and show my appreciation that he’s there. And you know what? He does the same for me. I can tell you it feels darn good to be acknowledged and appreciated.

So, what are some of the ways you practice romance? What keeps your relationship-motivation going? You knew I was going to ask. I bet there’s some interesting ideas out there. Are you willing to share?

Enjoy always, T

Let them go.

Relationship advice 101 – let them go.

Not so easy but very necessary. If someone significant in your life shows you, tells you or even indicates to you that they want to leave, let them go. If they don’t want to be with you, let them go.

Sounds harsh, I know, but it’s really best for both of you.

Let me ask you, why in the world would you want to be with someone who doesn’t want to be YOU? Why would you want to be with someone who thinks you’re less than wonderful, or not good enough? Even if they say, ‘it’s not you, it’s me,’ accept it and let them go. Trust me, you deserve better than that, lots better. Believe it.

Simple: yes. Easy: no.

I know, you’re thinking, but I like him/her, and I want him/her to like me too. Honey, you are loved, even if it’s not by them.

Sorry, tuff love news here, you can not make the other person want you. You can not make them think, do, or be anyway other than the way they are. Respect that and love them for who they are, not who you want them to be.

The only thing you can decide is who you are in relationship to who they are and what they’re doing. (Notice that nice little phrase there, in relationship?) Everything we do is in relationship to some one or some thing else besides ourselves.

Here’s another kicker (I’m full of them today). If you really do love and care for the other person, you’ll want them to be happy. It won’t be about them making you happy, that’s not their job, that’s your job. It’ll be about accepting what’s best for them, even if what’s best for them is to be with someone else.

Okay, I know I’ll ruffle a few feathers with this one. Give me your feedback. Hit me with your comments. I’d like to hear what you have to say. I’m interested.

Enjoy always, T

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 321 other followers